Permanent Change / by Megan Hollingsworth

 

I like to think my desires are simple and pure
so when you asked what I want most, I said you
not knowing what that meant
until I began clawing at the wall fashioned between us

and you, leaving the far side, 

busted a hole clean through and wide enough to shatter delusion. 

If you asked me again, What do you want most? 
I would say, Nothing. I am everything and more. 
Peace is all I've ever wished before you came along
And peace is my claim and my longing since you went away.

In 2013, I learned that it's possible to desire an experience with someone as much as I desire life. Surrendering to not having that while committing the passion shattered the delusion that any corporal encounter is ultimate. In surrendering to passion yet not fulfilling the desire, my mind met tranquility and grasping at externalities eventually ceased, be those externalities other persons or material belongings. The key was surrendering desire fully to that single someone and moving through grief of losing to never a childhood dream, which distilled the fleeting experience of one kiss to what ecstasy lasts through birth and death.

Opening the mind to the ecstatic state - joy and sorrow / rapture - is an experience many have and all may have. One that is rather silly to describe because it is one unknowable until its known. The closest reference point, which is actually furthest from the experience, that many have for this may be the manic depressive cycle. The baseline of a mind opened to ecstatic state is general awe, contentment, and gladness for the prospect of being alive, whatever the experience brings. There is an appreciation of and respect for the body's sensual capacity. Perhaps the most rational, objective and accessible translation of the experience is C. S. Lewis' subjective account in Surprised By Joy. Nonetheless, the experience is universally accessible to and uniquely expressed through each person.

Some consciously seek and prepare for such experience. I was to some degree fascinated by the prospect of revisiting, thus I gather subconsciously seeking, an early childhood experience of conjuring and becoming absolute - light - by narrowing my vision to nothing but black. Having had been conscious of that experience since childhood was my greatest preparation for the shock at age 37 years old. My other preparation was focused attention to personal health after being diagnosed with melanoma skin cancer at 19 years old. This attention to personal health involved purifying my body and thoughts through breathwork, including yoga asana, and mindfulness practice, including Transcendental Meditation.  

At 37 years old, I was in the virgining phase of resolving toxic shame imprinted through early childhood incest, setting healthy boundaries between self and other that I'd not known were mine to claim. In part due to this focus on healing, I was also in the midst of marital divorce, my husband and I having been separated since summer 2012, and financially impoverished with no family support and a 3 year old son. 

Being in a supremely creative state of mind and frightened for my existence, I reached to many unfamiliar persons who were offering courses in awakening or shifting both individuals and society on the whole. I also grasped at the one person with whom I was emotionally attached and who was aware of, albeit from a mortal distance, the spontaneous Kundalini awakening. Both paths proved unhelpful and the grasping proved harmful. I didn't stop grasping until after I told someone a truth that was cruel to tell and the grief of lies and betrayal, on the account of two parties, surfaced to consume me.

I've learned much about the consequence of being fear and shame since the close of 2012 when the original shockwave of light energy moved from my sacrum to my crown during orgasm accompanied by a raging scream. This wave was associated with grief for the cutting of a 30-ft diameter giant sequoia in 1853. 

That light wave was to be the beginning of full-bodied orgasms as I'd not known possible before, as well as a spiritual walkabout with extinction witness and the purging of toxic shame from my body and personality. That purging required me to move through the original trauma and see sexuality for what it is, the body's capacity and need for sensual touch be that by hand and mouth, vision, hearing, or taste. Until my personality was cleared of shame, my mind was susceptible to the base fear of being unlovable and my vision, thoughts, speech, and action were directed thusly. 

Born in 1975 to relatively informed parents, I did not grasp the matter of the course we're on until I received a college education through coursework determined by me. That education in environmental science and toxicology coupled with my own lot of emotional baggage from generations of material obsession and violent competition spurred the healing process I've been engaged in since. It's been a twenty-year process that wound me from living in a tent at a friend's retreat center, to a three-sided goat shed in a mountain-bluff garden, to an octagonal cabin nestled on a homestead at the edge of the Hoosier National Forest, back to school for health and environmental studies and the student-renter lifestyle, to briefly maintaining a house that I called my own during marriage to my son's father. 

Only through the divorce and selling the goods so that I could continue the witness in 2013 and 2014 did I resolve what was my own share of material fixation. I've learned, through what has been at times a frightening and painful process, that my worth and my security, as with my spiritual and emotional health, is not related to what I own, but who I am. I've learned that to stay open, trust the calling, be helpful to others, maintain commitments and/or immediately acknowledge when I realize I am unable to maintain a commitment, is to be OK, even to thrive within my means and surroundings. Greater still, I've come to experience gratitude for everything and everyone, including the bike thief, broken rib, and tooth extraction. 

C. S. Lewis once offered, "We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to come back to the place we started and know it for the first time."

As long as I can remember, when wishing upon a star, I've asked for world peace. I write this desire with one hand so the other hand can lay this desire down. I wail dance. And longing remains.

links

Becoming a channel of Earth: Kundalini Awakening

Busted Open

Embodied Creativity

First, a mother