mother & scribe

something worth holding

                           photo: Megan and her son, July 2011 credit to Helen Knight

                          photo: Megan and her son, July 2011 credit to Helen Knight

If I must die, run me over
with a Lamborghini
and make it red
like the one in the poster on my wall
If I cannot be the prize filly, something so
please, at least
kill me with the car.

Isn't this what you said yesterday in your four year old glare? That is
four and a half
you told me, you can only be
four and a half, once.

Today, your anger splits the air with a reason

you could not explain.
It was the dragon you wanted in the gift shop.
It was me thinking about the next thing so I could forget how much I want you.
It was me rushing you to get on when what you wanted was me

to ride beside you.
Thank you for begging me. Blinders off
Can I believe that you really want me more than anything?
You said so once when I was ripped apart by a reason
I could not explain.
You were three and a half, only once
Eli, what do want most?

You mama. I want you mama.

You were, I am, leaning in.

Teach me trust. Do not allow me
to teach you that you are anything less than everything.
Much much more than a fancy red car
or plastic purple dragon.
You are the golden Akhal-Teke. You are, we are, alive.
As the waters rise and the land goes dry in this great storm, remind me
at least as many times as you call out for me, it matters less how long we have together
more that we are bound,
let me be close across the divide
if only in my dreams
holding on
to you